In a random search of press releases, here are some award-winners this week:

Most unnecessary press release

Knight Energy Corp. Subsidiary Purchases Two Drilling Rigs

Longest opening paragraph I can’t translate into English

SALT LAKE CITY, July 9 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ — Cimetrix, Inc. (OTC
Bulletin Board: CMXX), a leading provider of factory automation software and solutions for the global semiconductor industry, announced today the availability of a new and innovative tool control solution — CIMControlFramework(TM). CIMControlFramework is the result of a joint development project between Cimetrix and semiconductor equipment leader, Axcelis Technologies, to define, build, and deploy a next generation tool control framework. The new software addresses the increasing demand for more efficient 300mm substrate handling and factory automation at the tool level as well as the need for more and better quality data. These objectives are currently the focal point of such semiconductor industry initiatives as 300mm Prime, Engineering Equipment Capabilities (EEC), Predictive and Preventive Maintenance (PPM) and Overall Equipment Effectiveness (OEE). Combined with the domain expertise of the new Cluster Tool Control Practice within the Company’s Global Services department, Cimetrix now offers a complete tool control solution.

Longest quote

“We have high expectations that our agreement with Microsoft on the licensing of its IP related to digital camera calibration technology will prove to be of great use to us in developing our image-processing business,” said Masakatsu Makino, president of FAST.
“FAST is a specialist image-processing technology company that develops, manufactures and sells image-processing software, devices and systems,” Makino said. “The IP licensed from Microsoft is outstanding camera calibration technology for 3-D measurement and inspection systems utilizing 3-D measurement in production environments in which high practical precision and simple camera calibration operation processes are required. We plan to roll out distinctive image-processing products in the near future that incorporate this technology. As a company developing advanced technology to meet customer needs, we feel that Microsoft’s technology will bring many benefits.”
“As its licensing of this technology demonstrates, Microsoft is implementing a policy of providing a broad range of industries with access to its technology with the aim of contributing to the advance and growth of other industries and their technology,” Makino said. “We take our hats off to Microsoft for this admirable policy.”

Longest quote that is at least somewhat understandable

“Snipitron is a Social Research platform to promote learning, sharing and creativity among global users. It brings together web content, streaming media, well-formed documentation, and analysis into a single location that can be easily accessed and distributed as well as providing a set of tools for keeping this information organized, stored, and delivered,” said Ryan Rouland, a Principal at Snipitron LLC. “With virtually endless market verticals for Snipitron, the use of this program for collaborative sharing is endless. So many people use computers for doing research — consumers shopping for the best coat, students and authors collaborating and conducting research for a book report, PR pros who want to share files with the press, real estate brokers who want to promote listings, fitness gurus who want to share diet and training information, attorneys who want to aggregate and share confidential research and information with clients and other groups. Snipitron allows them to access files from a single point, send MLS listings to a client interested in buying a home, newsletters blasted to customers, assign projects, or share photos with friends. Anyone can use this but it was primarily geared to the professional looking to make their business lives easier and more productive.”

Quote with most unnecessary big words

“LandAmerica management in this market is innovatively improving our service capabilities while reducing reliance on fixed-cost physical locations,” said Chandler. “We will evaluate the performance of the Colorado initiative to determine its applicability to additional markets in the future. There are features of this approach that may well be appropriate for other markets and may facilitate further office consolidations over time. Our ultimate objective is to intelligently eliminate costs and improve service levels at the same time.”

Quote with most gobbledygook

“RTS is pleased to once again be an early adopter of a new milestone of
the NYSE Euronext(TM) Technology Roadmap. The LIFFE CONNECT(R) services complement our existing European Cash Markets 100 MMBA Solution and leverage the low latency, high bandwidth needs of our clients who adopt our hosting solutions for global derivatives and cash markets. With easy access points for traders in Frankfurt and London, as well as Chicago, we are able to offer our clients speed of access to market and quick deployment of their algorithmic trading solutions,” said Mirjana Zuro, Vice President Business Development.

Longest disclaimer in relation to the press release

Solera National Bank Announces Launch of Remote Deposit Capture

Best Headline

www.ChangeTheWayWeGo.com Ends Battles in the Bathroom

Best Quote

“The iPhone has done more to change the way we think about mobile interactive than any other individual device in history,” said Warren Tomlin, Chief Creative Officer of Fuel Industries. “For us to wait and see with this device would be to put us in the same league with companies who waited around for the internet to catch on.”

Best opening paragraph

HENNEPIN, Ill., July 11 /PRNewswire/ — Caution! If read in its entirety, “Why Do Drugs Cost So Much? and why are we so darn sick? (published by AuthorHouse — http://www.authorhouse.com) may cause the following side effects: surprise, anger, disbelief and even amusement.

Best headline with opening paragraph

See What Happens When ‘What If’ Meets ‘Why Not’ 

SILVER SPRING, Md., July 10 /PRNewswire/ — You’ve heard the dire warning; you’ve seen the detailed PowerPoint; you’ve even bought that light bulb with the swirls, but how about some real action? Now the world’s leading scientists meet three uncompromising visionaries to put the most ambitious geo-engineering ideas to the test, tackling global climate change in DISCOVERY PROJECT EARTH premiering Friday, August 22 at 9 pm ET/PT on Discovery Channel.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 5:09 pm and is filed under Media, Press Release Writing, Public Relations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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