Good thing John Edwards didn’t become president of the U.S. The guy obviously can’t strategize his way out of a paper bag, let alone run a country.

Common PR sense says when you’ve done something bad, spill the beans—all of the beans—at once. Don’t let bad news come out in drabs and dribbles. Get it out, aplogize if necessary, take your lumps, let the story die.

Stupidly, John Edwards has done just the opposite. Last year he went on national TV to admit his affair with Rielle Hunter. But in that interview with ABCs Bob Woodruff, Edwards vehemently denied being the father of Hunter’s baby girl. He said it just wasn’t possible.

Now reports say, after taking a DNA test, Edwards is about to admit that in fact he is the father. Once again, we’ll have days of stories about the slimy ex-senator and how he’s betrayed his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth.

And once again, Edwards’ arrogance and/or cowardice has come back to bite him. He believed—or desperately hoped—his elaborate cover-up would work. It didn’t. And now he may be accused of not only sleazy behavior but also criminal actions: breaking campaign finance laws by paying hush money to Hunter and one of his aides.

Elizabeth Edwards deserves better.

What century does Nike think it’s living in?

LeBron James gets dunked on by a college kid (Xavier’s Jordan Crawford) at a pickup game and Nike confiscates the tape, thinking that would put an end to it.

Nike claimed they took the tape because it was against the basketball camp’s media policies to videotape an after hours game. Never mind that the videographers said they were given permission to tape and that the media policies never said anything about a ban on taping.

Of course, from as long ago as Richard Nixon days, we’ve all known the cover-up is worse than the crime, and in an era of instant media, it’s even more true.

The story of LeBron James’ wounded ego and Nike’s strong-arm tactics becomes headlines for several days. And, as anyone could have predicted, despite all of Nike’s efforts, a tape of the dunk ends up on the internet.

Once again, what could have been a one-day funny story becomes a week-long demonstration that LeBron is more of a prima donna and a baby than anyone ever thought.

ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews was the victim of another kind of videotape. Some creep covertly taped her naked in her hotel room through a peephole. The blurry images ended up on the internet.

Andrews’ attorney says she plans to seek criminal charges and file lawsuits against the person who shot the video (if the cops ever find him/her) and against anyone who publishes the material.

A disgusting event made even more disgusting when the NY Post published photos from the video on its front page (I’m not providing the link on purpose).

ESPN now says it won’t let any of the NY Post sports reporters appear on its shows. Too bad. I doubt it was the sports department that gave the go-ahead to the sleazy pictures.

It’s a horrible story—a couple in Florida who adopts special needs children is killed in a home invasion/robbery.

In the face of such a crisis and the national coverage it’s drawn, I’ve been impressed with the actions of the Escambia County Sheriff’s Department and especially Sheriff David Morgan.

I’ve seen five interviews on the Today Show as well as videos on other web sites. Morgan has been cool, calm, extremely credible, well-spoken and savvy (besides his rugged good looks!). He knows when not to answer questions but does it in a way that doesn’t seem evasive.

He also knows how to play for the cameras, though for me at least, not in an obnoxious way. At one news conference he hugged a sobbing daughter of one of the victims saying he’d kept a promise to her to catch the murderers.

This guy is good and I’m not sure why. He can’t have had much experience with national media. He’s been sheriff for less than a year. Interestingly, during his campaign he told a newspaper that the county of 300,000 people “isn’t Mayberry anymore”.

How sad those words proved true so quickly.

That quote from Rep. Gary Ackerman of New York sums up the idiocy of the chief executives of the Big Three automakers arriving in private jets to ask Congress for a $25 billion handout.

The worst part is, they probably didn’t and still don’t think they did anything wrong. After all, it’s one of the perks of the job.

Not to mention that on top of that perk and others, GM’s Richard Wagoner pulled down $15.7 million last year. Ford’s Alan Milally made $21.7. Chrysler’s Bob Nardelli only made $1 million, but don’t feel too sorry for him. He left Home Depot with a $210 million golden parachute.

Here’s hoping these clueless CEOs didn’t get the okay from their PR advisors before doing something so breathtakingly stupid and arrogant.

Speaking of arrogance, let’s talk about Elliott Spitzer, the disgraced former governor of New York. Rather than skulking off into the shadows of humiliation, he actually had the nerve to write an op-ed in the Washington Post offering advice on how to re-regulate Wall Street.

And, one week after he skirted a jail sentence by finding out he wouldn’t be prosecuted for soliciting prostitutes, Spitzer portrayed himself in the article as a wise sage and victim who was “scoffed at” for raising red flags about what was going on in the marketplace.

Elliott Spitzer a victim. Now that’s rich.

Quote that says nothing in 64 words:

“We are constantly evaluating our channel lineup to ensure we provide our customers with high-quality programming that best meets their diverse interests,” said Tony Speller, senior vice president for Comcast’s Houston Region. “The enhancements we’ve made to the Canales Selecto package add even more value and choice to this popular level of service and we’re excited to offer this expanded package to our customers.”

Hot air:

“We are excited about the breadth and depth of information we are able to provide on the re-launched website, particularly with the interactive media center,” said Jon Hall, Chief Marketing Officer of Travelport. “We believe that Travelport’s media center offers unique and unrivaled materials which provide views into the travel sector as well as emerging trends in the economy.”

Blah Blah Blah:

“Our customers are constantly facing the challenge of managing information from various data sources, technologies and systems,” said Marge Breya, general manager and executive vice president, Business Intelligence Platform, Business Objects, an SAP company. “They are looking to gain access to unified, reliable and trusted information via an intuitive user experience. With today’s announcement, we are helping organizations to bridge the information divide between the ‘technically capable’ and the ‘professionally informed’ so that everyone can have the decision-quality information they need to do their jobs.”

Two snooze inducers in the same press release:

“The joint interoperability tests with ViVOtech send an important signal to everyone involved in NFC applications: If they use our ProxSIM cards, they can rely on the latest and future-proof technology of NFC-enabled SIM cards and compatible standards for future NFC systems. This, coupled with the experience that we have garnered from numerous NFCprojects all over the world, enable us together to forge ahead with the wide-scale introduction of NFC,” states Dr. Klaus Vedder, head of the Telecommunications division at G&D.

“Successfully completing an interoperability test with a key leader in SIM chip technology such as Giesecke & Devrient’s shows our vision of delivering the most open and interoperable solution to the NFC market,” said Michael Mullagh, CEO of ViVOtech. “With widely tested multi-application NFC software deployed in 25 NFC payment field pilots, and more than 450,000 NFC readers shipped to over 30 countries, ViVOtech is uniquely well positioned to enable mobile network operators, financial service providers, and merchants to quickly roll out of their NFC mobile payment solutions.”

I’m still sleeping:

“This integration of functionality into a customizable suite of add-on capabilities reflects our continuing commitment to stay ahead of the technology curve by anticipating customer needs,” said David Drake, CEO/CTO of Revelation Software Concepts. “The structured suite of add-ons delivers our industry-leading change control technology in a way that allows customers to add functionality without delay when it is needed, and not before.”

Boring:

“The joint interoperability tests with ViVOtech send an important signal to everyone involved in NFC applications: If they use our ProxSIM cards, they can rely on the latest and future-proof technology of NFC-enabled SIM cards and compatible standards for future NFC systems. This, coupled with the experience that we have garnered from numerous NFC projects all over the world, enable us together to forge ahead with the wide-scale introduction of NFC,” states Dr. Klaus Vedder, head of the Telecommunications division at G&D.

“Successfully completing an interoperability test with a key leader in SIM chip technology such as Giesecke & Devrient’s shows our vision of delivering the most open and interoperable solution to the NFC market,” said Michael Mullagh, CEO of ViVOtech. “With widely tested multi-application NFC software deployed in 25 NFC payment field pilots, and more than 450,000 NFC readers shipped to over 30 countries, ViVOtech is uniquely well positioned to enable mobile network operators, financial service providers, and merchants to quickly roll out of their NFC mobile payment solutions.”

Steve Jobs and/or Apple do it right in two press releases on the same day:

1).“iPod touch is the funnest iPod we’ve ever created,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “Users can listen to millions of songs, watch thousands of Hollywood movies and now, thanks to the App Store, download and play hundreds of great games on their iPod touch.”

2). “The iPod nano is the world’s most popular music player and we’ve made it even better for this holiday season,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “We think users are going to love the amazing new design, the automatic Genius playlist creation, as well as automatically going into Cover Flow with just a turn of the wrist.”

Most unnecessary press release

Knight Energy Corp. Subsidiary Purchases Two Drilling Rigs

Longest opening paragraph I can’t translate into English

SALT LAKE CITY, July 9 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ — Cimetrix, Inc. (OTC
Bulletin Board: CMXX), a leading provider of factory automation software and solutions for the global semiconductor industry, announced today the availability of a new and innovative tool control solution — CIMControlFramework(TM). CIMControlFramework is the result of a joint development project between Cimetrix and semiconductor equipment leader, Axcelis Technologies, to define, build, and deploy a next generation tool control framework. The new software addresses the increasing demand for more efficient 300mm substrate handling and factory automation at the tool level as well as the need for more and better quality data. These objectives are currently the focal point of such semiconductor industry initiatives as 300mm Prime, Engineering Equipment Capabilities (EEC), Predictive and Preventive Maintenance (PPM) and Overall Equipment Effectiveness (OEE). Combined with the domain expertise of the new Cluster Tool Control Practice within the Company’s Global Services department, Cimetrix now offers a complete tool control solution.

Longest quote

“We have high expectations that our agreement with Microsoft on the licensing of its IP related to digital camera calibration technology will prove to be of great use to us in developing our image-processing business,” said Masakatsu Makino, president of FAST.
“FAST is a specialist image-processing technology company that develops, manufactures and sells image-processing software, devices and systems,” Makino said. “The IP licensed from Microsoft is outstanding camera calibration technology for 3-D measurement and inspection systems utilizing 3-D measurement in production environments in which high practical precision and simple camera calibration operation processes are required. We plan to roll out distinctive image-processing products in the near future that incorporate this technology. As a company developing advanced technology to meet customer needs, we feel that Microsoft’s technology will bring many benefits.”
“As its licensing of this technology demonstrates, Microsoft is implementing a policy of providing a broad range of industries with access to its technology with the aim of contributing to the advance and growth of other industries and their technology,” Makino said. “We take our hats off to Microsoft for this admirable policy.”

Longest quote that is at least somewhat understandable

“Snipitron is a Social Research platform to promote learning, sharing and creativity among global users. It brings together web content, streaming media, well-formed documentation, and analysis into a single location that can be easily accessed and distributed as well as providing a set of tools for keeping this information organized, stored, and delivered,” said Ryan Rouland, a Principal at Snipitron LLC. “With virtually endless market verticals for Snipitron, the use of this program for collaborative sharing is endless. So many people use computers for doing research — consumers shopping for the best coat, students and authors collaborating and conducting research for a book report, PR pros who want to share files with the press, real estate brokers who want to promote listings, fitness gurus who want to share diet and training information, attorneys who want to aggregate and share confidential research and information with clients and other groups. Snipitron allows them to access files from a single point, send MLS listings to a client interested in buying a home, newsletters blasted to customers, assign projects, or share photos with friends. Anyone can use this but it was primarily geared to the professional looking to make their business lives easier and more productive.”

Quote with most unnecessary big words

“LandAmerica management in this market is innovatively improving our service capabilities while reducing reliance on fixed-cost physical locations,” said Chandler. “We will evaluate the performance of the Colorado initiative to determine its applicability to additional markets in the future. There are features of this approach that may well be appropriate for other markets and may facilitate further office consolidations over time. Our ultimate objective is to intelligently eliminate costs and improve service levels at the same time.”

Quote with most gobbledygook

“RTS is pleased to once again be an early adopter of a new milestone of
the NYSE Euronext(TM) Technology Roadmap. The LIFFE CONNECT(R) services complement our existing European Cash Markets 100 MMBA Solution and leverage the low latency, high bandwidth needs of our clients who adopt our hosting solutions for global derivatives and cash markets. With easy access points for traders in Frankfurt and London, as well as Chicago, we are able to offer our clients speed of access to market and quick deployment of their algorithmic trading solutions,” said Mirjana Zuro, Vice President Business Development.

Longest disclaimer in relation to the press release

Solera National Bank Announces Launch of Remote Deposit Capture

Best Headline

www.ChangeTheWayWeGo.com Ends Battles in the Bathroom

Best Quote

“The iPhone has done more to change the way we think about mobile interactive than any other individual device in history,” said Warren Tomlin, Chief Creative Officer of Fuel Industries. “For us to wait and see with this device would be to put us in the same league with companies who waited around for the internet to catch on.”

Best opening paragraph

HENNEPIN, Ill., July 11 /PRNewswire/ — Caution! If read in its entirety, “Why Do Drugs Cost So Much? and why are we so darn sick? (published by AuthorHouse — http://www.authorhouse.com) may cause the following side effects: surprise, anger, disbelief and even amusement.

Best headline with opening paragraph

See What Happens When ‘What If’ Meets ‘Why Not’ 

SILVER SPRING, Md., July 10 /PRNewswire/ — You’ve heard the dire warning; you’ve seen the detailed PowerPoint; you’ve even bought that light bulb with the swirls, but how about some real action? Now the world’s leading scientists meet three uncompromising visionaries to put the most ambitious geo-engineering ideas to the test, tackling global climate change in DISCOVERY PROJECT EARTH premiering Friday, August 22 at 9 pm ET/PT on Discovery Channel.

Actually, it wasn’t just the Prime Minister who ate the lavish dinner—and the working lunch earlier that day with six courses. All the leaders were there, including George Bush, but Gordon Brown is taking the heat because of his untimely proclamation about food hours before stuffing himself.

Even worse, the world leaders had just held discussions about the food crisis with the heads of Ethiopia, Tanzania and Senegal— but they weren’t invited to the dinner.

Who counsels these people? It’s understandable that the Japanese Prime Minister would want to show what a gracious host he could be. And it would be rude for the leaders not to accept his hospitality. But does anyone planning these events in eight powerful countries think how this will look to the rest of the planet?

They’re talking about a food crisis while eating caviar, Kyoto beef and smoked salmon. Meanwhile millions of people are starving. Never underestimate how hypocritical politicians can be.

Angelo Mozilo, CEO of Countrywide Financial, received an email from a desperate Countrywide customer asking for an adjustment to his mortgage terms. Mr. Sympathy, who pulled down $10.8 million dollars while his company lost $704 million, thought he was forwarding the email to a subordinate.

Commenting on the plea from the beleaguered homeowner, he called it “unbelievable” and “disgusting.” But instead of hitting “forward,” Mozilo hit “reply” so his comments went back to the sender.

The homeowner wasted no time in posting the email exchange on loansafe.org. The company issued a lame statement expressing regret over any misunderstanding caused by Mr. Mozilo’s inadvertent response.

Oh, I don’t think there was any misunderstanding at all.

“We spent several months going back and forth, productizing this into something that will work,” said Barb Miller, vice president of government, technical and integration services at Tech Data.

What’s more amazing than the fact that she said this word is that the reporter actually used it and came up with the spelling! He must know something I don’t know.

“Is this something we should (carefully) address ourselves in some sort of release before someone stumbles on it,” Katz’s email asks.

Ah, Ira, that would be a yes (public/media relations 101). Does anyone with a lick of knowledge about PR or a concern about doing the right thing work at the VA? If so, they aren’t being listened to by the unethical, uncaring, cover-your-ass administration at the agency.

Katz apologized for the “Shh!” subject line, saying it was an error. No, Ira, the real error was your knowing that our veterans are in such sorry shape that 12,000 of them felt that the only way out was ending their lives — knowing about it and not doing something about it. Knowing about it, and being more concerned about whether and how to hide it.

This an indefensible, unforgivable, criminal cover-up. Once again, I’m ashamed of our government.